


Audible Shockwave

by Chia_P



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crack, Euphemisms, F/F, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Parody, The spelling isn't that bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chia_P/pseuds/Chia_P
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This work is a style parody of works such as My Immortal, Half Life Full Life Consequences, and the works of Starjeffry (though much less explicit than his). Any and all intimate scenes are comically censored with euphemisms far stranger yet possibly less cringe-worthy than those in Fifty Shades of Grey.</p><p>This work is best enjoyed read out loud in the digital voice of a computer in a group of three or more friends who can share in laughing at what a ridiculous mess it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dress to Impress

**Author's Note:**

> I'm almost ashamed that this hot mess will be my first work on AO3, but it's all in good fun. I'm more of a reader than a writer most of the time. Please comment to let me know what you thought or which parts made you laigh the most (or with you could unsee/unhear this fic).

It was another day in space on the USS Enterprise. People were doing the stuff that they do most of the time, except one. James T. Kirk was still asleep. Then, Kirk woke up, because Spock came in to wake him up. “Captain, wake up,” Spock said. Kirk opened his eyes and woke up real fast, because Spock was wearing a pink dress. 

“Spock, what are you wearing?” Kirk asked really loudly.

“Oh, this?” Spock said. “Scotty wanted to make me pretty.”

“What?” Kirk said loudly.

“It is illogical, but does it turn you on?” Spock asked quietly.

Kirk said nothing. He wanted to say yes, because it did, but he decided not to, just in case Spock didn’t feel the same.

If Spock showed his hidden human feelings Kirk would have seen disappointment, because Spock liked Kirk and hoped to get him up in two ways.

Kirk was trying to hide that Spock had done what he had hoped to do. “I’ll meet you on the bridge in ten minutes. Take off that dress.”

Spock liked following Kirk’s orders a lot, so he took off the dress right there in Kirk’s quarters.

Kirk was shocked, and his little spaceman was overjoyed. It stood at attention as Spock came closer. Spock greeted the little space cadet with enthusiasm. Then, Spock and Kirk mind-melded with their other minds.

They walked onto the bridge thirty minutes later. They were both now dressed in their normal uniforms, which they normally wear. Other people were there too. They were also wearing their normal uniforms, but one. Chekov’s red shirt had changed to pink.

“Chekov, why is your shirt pink?” asked Kirk with raised eyebrow.

“I accidentally put bleach in the wash weez it. I’m wery sorry Keptin.” He momentarily paused for a moment, “Actually, I like this color. Kin I keep it zees way?”

“I don’t know. It is not regulation…” Kirk replied in reply.

“Captain, I think it is fascinating,” Spock said.

“Do you? Well, then, I guess it is fine,” Kirk agreed in agreement. 

“Tank you so much, Keptin!” Chekov thanked Kirk thankfully.

“You’re welcome,” Kirk said. “Now, how has everything been going up here?”

“All seems good, Captain,” Sulu answered with an answer.

“Actually, I thought I heard some Klingon transmission a few minutes ago,” contradicted Uhura with a contradictory contradiction. 

“Captain, Don’t listen to her,” said Sulu. “She is a woman and does not know what she is talking about.”

“Sulu, she must know something. She did get the job after all,” defended Kirk defensively. 

“Well, actually, I was just kidding. I wanted to see what Sulu would say. We are in the clear; I just like being mean once a month,” she said.

“Why do we allow women in space?” Sulu questioned questionably with a questionable question.

“I know, Keptin!” Chekov said loudly.

“Why?”

“So that straight men can see their chests in antigrawity!” Chekov responded very responsively.

“That sounds logical to me,” Spock said.

“Well then, if there is nothing else for me to do here, I’m going to strut my awesome around the ship,” said Kirk.

“Uh-huh…” said everyone but one. Kirk did not say it. He went to the elevator and left. He was headed to the sick bay of the ship, where McCoy gives out very good medicine to those who need it and some who do not.

“Hey, Bones, what’s up, man?” Kirk asked as he entered the place where McCoy was.

“Not much. It has been a quiet day. What about you?” McCoy asked.

“I had a wake-up call that woke me up.” Kirk replied.

“What type of wake-up call was it, Jim?”

“Spock came into my room in a pink dress.”

“Oh.” McCoy was imagining Spock in a pink dress and he realized that he liked it a lot. He also realized that he would like Kirk in a pink dress a lot too. “Why was he wearing it?”

“Scotty put him in it.”

“Why?” McCoy asked with surprise.

“How should I know?!” Kirk said really loudly. Remembering Spock in the dress, then Spock without the dress, and then him and Spock together without the dress made Kirk want Spock again. His astronaut was ready to shoot for the moon again, but he did not want McCoy to notice, because he liked McCoy too.

“Scotty is just quirky,” said McCoy. But, inside, McCoy was glad that Scotty had put Spock in a dress and wanted to see it really really badly. “What did you do, Jim?”

“What?!” Kirk asked very fast and loud. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what did you do, after he woke you while wearing the dress?”

There was a pause. Kirk wondered whether to tell McCoy that he had done Spock. Kirk thought very hard for a long time that was actually two seconds. “I did Spock. We mind-melded with our other minds.”

“Really?” McCoy was not sure if he was happy, sad, jealous or turned on. But, a medical device in his pants chose his answer. He was very turned on. McCoy’s little medical assistant was upstanding and eager to tend to Kirk’s medical needs. 

Kirk wanted his medical needs to be taken care of by his handsome friend. Kirk’s little Space explorer agreed. It was ready to boldly go where it had never gone before.

“Would you like to step into my office, Captain?” McCoy asked as his little healer in a whitey-tightey lab coat led the way. As soon as they were both in the small office, McCoy undid his pants and pulled out his trusty first-aid kit. He placed his thermometer in Kirk’s willing mouth. They continued the examination, until both were sure that they were satisfied by the results.

“Thank you, Doctor. I feel so much better,” Kirk panted.

“You’re welcome, Captain. Come back any time that you need a good diagnosis.” McCoy smiled, because he was not Vulcan and could show the smile that meant that he felt happy.

Kirk smiled back too, because he was also not Vulcan and could also show the smile that meant that he also felt happy too.


	2. Pretty in Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet the mastermind behind all things pink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should apologize at the beginning of every chapter.
> 
> One of my friends told me that I shouldn't have said it was a joke, because part of the fun is wondering whether the person is writing the bad fic in earnest and truly believes it to be good. I told him it would have been just cruel to make the summary for the first chapter be something akin to, "Sorry, I'm bad at summeries, but just read! It's good!" I just felt that not letting people know what they were in for was cruel and unusual punishment. If you've made it this far, you understand.

Kirk returned to the bridge, after he finished strutting his awesome around the ship. While he was strutting his awesome, he saw that Scotty had a pink shirt, like Chekov’s. The more he thought about it, the odder it was. Chekov’s shirt was supposed to be yellow. Did Chekov really suck that bad at laundry? Well, now that Kirk was back on the deck, he could ask Chekov. “Hey, Chekov.”

“Yes, Keptin?”

“I have been thinking about it and, while I was thinking about it, I thought that it was odd and I thought that I should ask you how you turned your yellow shirt pink with bleach.”

“It was magic bleach, Keptin.”

“Really? And did the magic bleach also embroider the name Scotty on it with its magic powers of magical bleach-ness?”

“Busted!” Sulu said loudly with a smile.

“No wonder it looks big on you,” said Uhura.

“That is logical,” said Spock, who wanted to wear one of Kirk’s yellow shirts, but knew it would be too small and too obvious, since his shirts were blue.

“I suggest you give Scotty his shirt back,” suggested Kirk. “And why on Earth has that man been so fond of pink recently?”

“What do you mean, Captain?” Sulu asked, because he wanted to know what Kirk meant.

“N-nothing!” Kirk realized that he did not want to tell his whole crew about Spock and the pink dress.

Everyone went back to doing the things that they did on the bridge, that is, everyone but one. Chekov left the bridge to find Scotty on the engineering deck. He found Scotty. “Scotty!”

“What is it, Chekov? I told you never to come to my work.”

“I think the Keptin almost found us out!”

“What!” Scotty said really really loudly. He walked really fast to the nearest closet pulling Chekov behind him. “How did he almost find out?”

“It was the pink shirt that you gave me. It has your name on it.” Chekov explained.

“Well, of course it does. It was my shirt, after all.”

“Why did you turn it pink?”

“I like the color.” Scotty explained.

“Well, we had better be more careful. The Keptin had better not find out about our secret love!” Chekov explained aggressively. 

“Why does our love have to be a secret, man?”

“Because we don’t know what would happen if anyone knew!”

“Fine,” Scotty agreed, “Then, take off my shirt and hand it to me.” Chekov did the thing that Scotty told him to do with the shirt that belonged to Scotty. Then, Chekov was not wearing a shirt. Chekov was shirtless. Scotty liked Chekov without the shirt, which means that Scotty liked Chekov shirtless. Scotty’s tool kit was becoming more noticeable in his pocket. Chekov noticed this. “Well,” said Scotty, “I have to get back to work.”

“Before you go, I could use a tune-up.”

Scotty shifted as Chekov moved closer. His space-age wrench was pressed against his leg and Chekov could feel it as he moved closer. 

Chekov was quite familiar with Scotty’s tools and how he used them. He reached into Scotty’s pocket and freed the space-age technology from its linen tackle box.

Scotty gasped as Chekov began to operate his machinery. Several minutes passed. Scotty smiled and said, “I thought you were the one who wanted the tune-up.”

Thirty minutes later, Chekov arrived back on the bridge in his own yellow shirt.

“Jesus Christ!” Sulu groaned as Chekov returned.

“Are you praying Mr. Sulu?” Spock asked.

“I guess you could say that,” Sulu replied, “I’m praying that it won’t take Chekov an hour to change his shirt ever again!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for any disappointment you might feel over me not attempting to type in a Scottish accent. Please feel free to berate me for this-or anything else you dislike about this fic-in the comments.


End file.
